I'm under the weather.
i've been wrangling with depression since i was a teenager but it was only after the birth of my son, at age 34, that i found consistent, competent, effective care. and a diagnosis of treatment resistant major depression.
The gist of the diagnosis is that treatments that work well for other folks don’t work, or don’t work for a sustained amount of time, for folks with my diagnosis. Another piece of it is that we require combinations of medicines - I take 2 different anti-depressants (Effexor & Trazodone), plus an upper (Adderall), and a low dose antipsychotic employed as a booster for the anti-depressants (Abilify). I was doing well for a couple of years with a few brief episodes, but the last couple of months have been challenging. I tried to put it off as winter doldrums but it’s just gotten worse.
"Worse" means that I'm actively struggling against classic symptoms of depression like anhedonia or lack of experiencing pleasure and interest in anything, fatigue, brain fog, and when my brain does clear I'm left with repetitive negative thoughts. It's a rather non-functional place to be because without a healthy mind, I can't even "mind over matter" my way through my job, parenting, and other responsibilities. Everything, even small things like composing an email at work or deciding what to make for my son's supper, looms overwhelming, confusing, and so hard to do.
I've always been a journal-keeper. Occasionally a blogger. Writing is one of the ways that I get my head clear and recognize my feelings. That's part of why I've started this blog. I've also experienced the denial and stigmatization of mental illness and that's a more significant reason to write here. To share my experience, both the day-to-day and broader reflections, living with depression. To make myself visible. To render a view into a particular way of life that many people share. And maybe, through that window, see something different for myself, too.
The gist of the diagnosis is that treatments that work well for other folks don’t work, or don’t work for a sustained amount of time, for folks with my diagnosis. Another piece of it is that we require combinations of medicines - I take 2 different anti-depressants (Effexor & Trazodone), plus an upper (Adderall), and a low dose antipsychotic employed as a booster for the anti-depressants (Abilify). I was doing well for a couple of years with a few brief episodes, but the last couple of months have been challenging. I tried to put it off as winter doldrums but it’s just gotten worse.
"Worse" means that I'm actively struggling against classic symptoms of depression like anhedonia or lack of experiencing pleasure and interest in anything, fatigue, brain fog, and when my brain does clear I'm left with repetitive negative thoughts. It's a rather non-functional place to be because without a healthy mind, I can't even "mind over matter" my way through my job, parenting, and other responsibilities. Everything, even small things like composing an email at work or deciding what to make for my son's supper, looms overwhelming, confusing, and so hard to do.
I've always been a journal-keeper. Occasionally a blogger. Writing is one of the ways that I get my head clear and recognize my feelings. That's part of why I've started this blog. I've also experienced the denial and stigmatization of mental illness and that's a more significant reason to write here. To share my experience, both the day-to-day and broader reflections, living with depression. To make myself visible. To render a view into a particular way of life that many people share. And maybe, through that window, see something different for myself, too.
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