getting by is not getting me there

Today is one of the hard days.  My brain is not engaging.  I’m tired.  Bone tired.  I want to think about and maybe feel my own ideas and feelings.  Not the j-o-b.  Days like this worry me when I try to imagine more engaging meaningful responsible work.

A young woman I know is quitting her job to go back to school - for a third degree.  She says that she can put up with a lot if it's for something's she's passionate about.  So that's what she's looking for.  On the one hand, yes, passion for a mission makes a difference.  On the other hand - holy smokes what privilege!  To be able to go back to school for another degree in search of passion?!  I'm jealous.


Because my job is certainly void of passion.  I'm paying the bills by doing what my resume says I can do.  And maybe it's really all I can do  - I'm tired and depressed and tired of being depressed.  Fingers crossed that a new psychiatrist and therapist can pull me out of the latest relapse. I asked my current shrink if I'd ever feel normal again and she said, "I don't know."  I was hoping for something like, "Yes, we'll get you there."

It's a lousy kind of life.  When will my son be old enough for me to off myself?  20? 30? 40?   If I'm committed to living that long, then I need to makes some significant changes to get there as a good mom and modeling a healthy life.  

That means doing what I don’t feel like doing.  And balancing that with doing nice things for me - hot bath, other things I can’t think of right now.  Plus, the balance of recognizing and expressing my feelings - where? Journal or paint or crafting? 

Today, I took a walk.  I thought I was running to the Kwik-E-Mart for a snack.  But standing in the check-out line with snack in hand, I realized that I didn’t want a snack.  I just wanted to feel better and a snack wasn’t going to take care of that.  A snack wasn’t going to take care of me.  I walked out of the store empty-handed.  I need and I crave and I want to feel differently than I do right now, which is tired, heavy, bleak, lonely, and sad.  I want something to reach me inside.  

I'm getting by. I go to my job and do it ok. I get paid and pay my bills. I snuggle my son. But I persistently feel like I only have the energy for a much as I'm already doing and what I'm doing is not enough to get me healthy, well, happy. To get me interested - in anything. To hold my attention reading a book or cooking a meal. My mind wanders to a dull deadspace and lays down there. If I can't do what I feel like doing, and I can't rely on my mind to think my way into doing the right things, how am I supposed to get anywhere?